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In no way shape or form do these jokes express the views of Humor Playground.  They are only meant for your personal enjoyment.

            A doctor was walking down the hospital corridor and stopped to speak to the head nurse.
            "Oh doctor," she said, "you've got your thermometer stuck behind your ear."
            "Shit!" cried the doctor.  "Some asshole has my pen!"

Why is the Urban Cowboy's mustache all brown and scuzzy?
            He's lookin' for love in all the wrong places.

What do you call nuts on a wall?
            Walnuts.
What do you call nuts on a chest?
            Chestnuts.
What do you call nuts on a chin?
            A blow job.

Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?
            Because his wife died.

            A man was having a few in the local bar when he noticed a sailor sitting at the other end of the bar.  The sailor had a completely normal physique except for one anomaly: his head was tiny, about the size of an orange.
            The man stared at the sailor in puzzlement, and after a few more drinks screwed up his courage to go over and ask the sailor how his condition had come about.
            The sailor took the question in good humor, and explained that some time ago he had been shipwrecked.  "I came to," explained, "on this beautiful little beach, and heard this sad little whimpering sound behind some rocks on the shore. Investigating, I saw that it was this gorgeous mermaid who had been stranded on the rocks, so I carried her back to the water's edge. And she was so grateful that she promised to grant me any three wishes. Well, as you can imagine, my first wish was that I get off that god-forsaken island in one piece.
            "'I'll grant you that one after you've had the first two,' she said.
            "So next I told her I'd like to be rich beyond dreams. And-whammo-there on the beach appeared a chest full of gold and jewels. And then, being a normal sort of guy--and she was cute, believe me--I asked if we could make love.
            " 'Look at me,' said the mermaid. 'It's easy to see I'm not built for that sort of thing.'
            "So I says to her, 'Okay, how about a little head?'"

What's the ultimate in courage?
            Two cannibals having oral sex.

            For decades two heroic bronze statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.  "You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "that I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want to."  And with the clap of his hand, the angel brought the statues to life.
            The two approached each other a bit shyly but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches.  Fifteen minutes later the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.
            "You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking conspiratorially.
            Grinning even more widely, the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon town, and I'll shit on its head!"

            The boss came in and asked the new secretary, "Ellen, do you know the difference between a Caesar Salad and a blow job?"
            "No," she replied.
            "Great! Let's have lunch."

            A woman came to the supermarket, went over to the butcher counter, and announced her desire to buy a Long Island duck.  The butcher, a recent employee, obligingly went into the back room and came out with a fine-looking duck.
            The woman stuck her finger up the duck's ass and announced, "I'm sorry, this won't do. This is a Maine duck."
            The butcher raised his eyebrows, but soon returned with another duck.
            "No," pronounced the woman, her finger up the second duck's ass, "this duck is from Minnesota."
            Barely restraining himself, the butcher fetched a third duck.
            "Now this," said the woman, smiling after performing the same inspection, "this is a Long Island duck. Thank you so much."  She was about to leave when she turned back to the counter and asked, "Say, you're new hear, aren't you? Where are you from?"
            The butcher pulled down his pants, turned around, and said, "You tell me, lady."

You know why sex is like a bridge game?
            You don't need a partner if you've got a good hand.

Why does Dolly Parton have such a small waist?
            Nothing grows in the shade.
How can you tell Dolly Parton's kids in the playground?
            Stretch marks on their lips.

What's the ultimate rejection?
            While you're masturbating, your hand falls asleep.

             There was a businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else.
             So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation to the old man.
             "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except-" said the old man, and then he stopped.
             "Except what?" asked the businessman.
             "Nothing, nothing," said the old man.
             "C'mon, tell me! I need something!" protested the businessman.
             "Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo dick,'" the old man said.
             "So what's up with this voodoo dick?" the businessman asked.
             The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said, "Big fucking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"
             The old man said, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet."
             He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the door."
             The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said, "Voodoo dick, get back in your box!"
             The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, quiescent once more.
             The businessman said, "I'll take it!"
             The old man resisted and said it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say, "Voodoo dick, my pussy."
             He left for his trip satisfied things would be fine while he was gone.
             After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said "Voodoo dick, my pussy!" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before.
             After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out,but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't stop screwing.
             The officer looked at her for a second, and then said, "Yea, right. Voodoo dick, my ass!"

             There was a little boy whose mother was about to have a baby. One day, the little boy walked in and saw his mother naked. He asked his mother what the hair between her legs was.
             She responded, "It's my wash cloth."
                Weeks later, after the mother had her baby, the young boy walked in on his mother again. While she was in the hospital, the doctor had shaved her pubic hair.
                The boy asked, "What happened to your wash cloth?"
                The mother responded, "I lost it."
                The little boy, trying to be helpful, set out to find his mother's washcloth.
                A few days later, he ran to his mother yelling and screaming, "I found your washcloth!"
                The mother, thinking that the child was just playing, went along with the boy and asked, "Where did you find it?"
                The boy answered, "The maid has it! She is washing daddy's face with it."

                Two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years in high school were both virgins; they enjoyed losing their virginity with each other in 10th grade. When they graduated, they both wanted to go to the same college but the girl was accepted to a college on the east coast, and the guy went to the west coast. They agreed to be faithful to each other and spend any time that they could together.
              As time went on, the guy would call the girl and she would never be home, and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return the letters. Even when he e-mailed her, she took days to return his messages.
              Finally, she confessed to him she wanted to date around. He didn't want to do this and increased his calls, letters, and e-mails trying to win back her love. After a while she became annoyed, and because she now had a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back.
              So, what she did is this: She took a polaroid picture of her, sucking her new boyfriend's penis, while almost naked and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, "I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone."
              Well, needless to say this guy was heartbroken, but even more so, he was pissed. So, what he did next was awesome.
              He wrote on the back of the photo the following, "Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time in college, please send more money!" and mailed the picture to her parents.

              A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took one look at her, and all his professionalism went out the window.
              He immediately told her to undress. After she had disrobed, the doctor began to stroke her thigh.
              Doing so, he asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?"
              "Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."
              "That is right," said the doctor.
              He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?"
              "Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer."
              "Correct," replied the shady doctor.
              Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her.
              He asked, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"
              "Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes, which is why I came here in the first place."

              Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
              One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
              "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.
              "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" he asked.
              "Oh, Bill, you didn't," she said.
              "Yes, I did," he told her.
              "My God, Bill, what happened?"
              "I got fired."
              "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" she asked.
              "Oh... she got fired too."

You're walking down the street when you run into two tampons.  You greet them by saying "Hi."  What do they say back?
              Nothing, they're both stuck up cunts!
              Matt Dunkley