In no way shape or form do these jokes express the views of Humor Playground.
They are only meant for your personal enjoyment.
The mongoloid husband comes home from work and sits down at the
kitchen table, hungry for dinner. Soon enough, his mongoloid wife puts
down in front of him a plate with a piece of meat on it, nothing else.
"Where's the vegetables?" he asks.
"Oh," replies his wife, "they're not home from school yet."
Bumper sticker: HIRE THE HANDICAPPED---They're fun to watch.
How do you get a one-armed Pole out of a tree?
Wave at him.
The nervous father-to-be was pacing outside the delivery room when
finally the doctor emerged. "Oh, doctor!" he cried. "Is it a boy or
a girl?"
"I'm afraid I have a bit of bad news," said the doctor gravely.
"I'm sorry to have to tell you that your child was not born complete."
The father's face fell, but he said, "Well, I'm sure it can have a
happy and complete life in any case."
"That's not all," said the doctor. "I'm afraid your child has
no arms or legs."
"Oh," said the father. "At least I understand they're doing
wonderful things with braces and prostheses these days."
"It's not going to be easy," said the doctor. "You see, your
child was born with no torso. In fact, your child is only a giant ear."
The father sighed and said, "Well, I'm sure my wife and I can make
the best of it."
The doctor said, "I'm afraid that's not the worst of it. It's
deaf."
Bob was an avid golfer and, even at seventy-two, could still hit a
fine drive. But finally he went in to his doctor to complain that his
eyesight was getting so bad that he often couldn't see the ball.
"Well, Bob," said the doctor, "you know, when you get older
something's got to go, and there's not much I can do about it. Now, I do have
this patient named Joe; he's getting on in years and not as sharp as he used to
be and he's deaf as a post, but he's got twenty-twenty eyesight. Why don't you
take him with you the next time you go golfing?"
The arrangement seemed a little curious to Bob, but worth a try, and
so the next Saturday he found himself out on the fairway with Joe and hit a
beautiful drive.
"Well, Joe," he said, turning to the old guy, "did you see it?"
"Oh, yes," said Joe, "clear as day. If only I could remember where
it landed."
Who was the meanest man in the world?
The guy who raped the deaf-and-dumb girl, then cut off her fingers
so she couldn't yell for help.
Little Herbie had been blind since birth. One day at bedtime,
his mother told him that the next day was a very special one. If he prayed
extra hard, he'd be able to see when he woke up in the next morning.
The next morning she came into Herbie's room to make sure he'd
prayed hard the night before. "Well then, open your eyes and you'll know
that your prayers have been answered."
Little Herbie opened his eyes, only to cry out, "Mother! Mother! I
still can't see!"
"I know, dear," said his mother. "April Fool."
Nine months to the day following their wedding, the Coopers had a
baby. Unfortunately, it was born without arms or legs--without even a
torso. It was just a head. Still, the Coopers loved and cared for
their child, spoiling and indulging it. Finally after twenty years, they
took a much needed vacation, and whom should they meet on the cruise ship but a
European doctor who had recently achieved a medical breakthrough. "I
know," he said, "how to attach arms and legs to your child, how to make him
whole."
The Coopers cut their trip short, rushed home and into the room
where the head lay in its crib, and said, "Honey, Mom and Dad have the most
wonderful surprise for you!"
"No," shrieked the head, "Not another hat!"
Why shouldn't there be any handicapped jokes?
Because if it weren't for the handicapped, we'd never get parking
places.
What did the leper say to the prostitute?
Keep the tip.
An unfortunate couple had a son who was born with no legs. What did they
name him?
Neil.
Their daughter was born with one leg. What did they name her?
Eileen.
This beautiful young paraplegic was sitting on the beach in her
wheelchair, gazing mournfully out at the beach crashing waves, when a handsome
guy came up behind her. "What's wrong?" he asked gently. "Why do you
look so sad?"
"I've never been kissed," she explained, brushing a tear off her
cheek.
"Well, I can take care of that," said the fellow, and did, then
walked down the beach feeling pretty pleased with himself.
The next he was walking down the beach again when what should he see
but the same young paraplegic, looking more down-in-the-mouth than ever.
"What's wrong now?" he asked, looking deep into her eyes.
"I've never been fucked," she said sadly.
"No problem," he said, his chest swelling with manly pride. He
bent over to lift her from the wheelchair, cradled her gently in his arms, and
walked down the pier. Reaching the end, he threw her in the water and
shouted, "Now you're fucked!"
The Williams were suitably unhappy when their first child was born
with no ears, and their best friends, the Cains, were well aware of this.
Preparing for their first visit to see the newborn, Mrs. Cain reminded her
husband that at all costs he should avoid any reference to the baby's defect.
In no time at all both couples found themselves cooing over the
crib. "Look at those arms," said Mrs. Cain. "He's really going to be
able to throw a ball. And those legs-he could be a sprinter. Say, how're his
eyes?"
"Terrific," said the proud mother.
"They better be," blurted Cain. "He'll never be able to wear
glasses!"
A guy was passing through town on his way across the state when he
decided it was time for lunch. He pulled up in front of a little boy
sitting on some front steps and asked, "S-s-s-say, k-k-k-kid, d-d-d-you know
wh-wh-where I c-c-c-could g-g-g-get a hot m-m-meal around h-h-here?"
The kid didn't say a word.
"Hey k-k-k-k-kid, d-d-d-don't you know s-s-s-somewhere s-s-s-serving
f-f-food around h-h-h-here?"
The kid shook his head, and the tourist drove off in disgust.
Just then the boy's mother came out of the house. "Herbie," she said,
"you've lived in this town all your life. Don't tell me you don't know somewhere
to get a bite of lunch."
"I d-d-d-do," said the kid, "b-b-b-but you th-th-think I wanna get
sl-sl-sl-slapped?"
What do you call a guy with no arms or legs in the swimming pool?
Bob.
What do you call the same guy at your door?
Matt.
What do you call the same guy tacked up on your wall?
Art.
What's the hardest thing about eating vegetables?
The wheelchairs.
Why do farts smell?
So deaf people can appreciate them, too.
Why do blacks smell?
So blind people can hate them, too.
How do you tell the blind guy in a nudist colony?
It's not hard.
There's this really shy guy who never leaves his room.
Although he's desperately lonely for any sort of companionship, he's terribly
self-conscious about the fact that he has a wooden eye, and even though it's not
very noticeable he doesn't want to expose himself to ridicule. Finally his
best friend says, "Look, if you ever want to do anything with your life you've
simply got to get out and about. Come with me to the prom on Saturday."
With the greatest reluctance he agrees, and Saturday night finds him
sitting on the bleachers in the high school gym while his friend dances away,
until he notices a woman on the other side of the room. She's not
beautiful--in fact she has a harelip--and he screws up his courage to approach
her.
"Would you like to dance?" he asks.
Her face lighting up, she cries, "Would I? Would I?"
"Harelip! Harelip!" he shouts back.
Did you hear the one about the queer deaf mute?
Neither did he.
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