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In no way shape or form do these jokes express the views of Humor Playground.  They are only meant for your personal enjoyment.

Have you ever smelled mothballs?
            No!  How do you get their legs apart?

            Imagine the President's dismay when he woke up one winter morning in the White House to see outside his window, written in pee in the fresh snow, "The President sucks."  Furious, he summoned the Secret Service, the police, and the FBI, and told them they had better come up with the culprit--fast."
            That afternoon a hapless officer arrived in the Oval Office to give the President the results of their investigation.  "We have definitely established that it's the Vice President's urine," he said, "but I'm afraid it's the First lady's handwriting."

What are the five biggest lies?
            "The check is in the mail."
            "I won't cum in your mouth."
            "Some of my best friends are Jewish."
            "Black is beautiful."
            "I'm from the government, and I'm here to help you."

How many punk rockers does it take to change a light bulb?
            Two.  One to change the bulb, and the other to kick the chair out from under him.

How many rednecks does it take to eat a possum?
            Three.  One to eat the possum, and two to watch for cars.

            Two cannibals are having dinner together.  The guest says to his host, "Your wife sure makes good soup."
            "Yeah," his friend replies, "but I'm sure going to miss her."

Why did the Dairy Queen get pregnant?
            Because the Burger King forgot to wrap his whopper.
Why didn't the Dairy Queen get pregnant?
            Because she went out with Mr. Softee.

            The Israelites were all waiting anxiously at the foot of the mountain, knowing that Moses had a tough day negotiating with God over the Commandments.  Finally a tired Moses came into sight.  "I've got some good news and some bad news, folks," he said.  "The good news is that I got it down to ten. The bad news is that adultery's still in."

What's the definition of mixed emotions?
            When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your brand new Mercedes.

            Two little kids, aged six and eight, decide it's time to learn how to swear.  So the eight-year-old says to the six-year-old, "Okay, you say 'ass' and I'll say 'hell.'"
            All excited about their plan, they troop downstairs, where their mother asks them what they'd like for breakfast.  "Aw, hell," says the eight-year-old, "gimme some Cheerios."  His mother back-hands him off the stool, sending him bawling out of the room, and turns to the younger brother.  "What'll you have?"
            "I dunno," quavers the six-year-old, "but you can bet your ass it ain't gonna be Cheerios!"

Know how to keep an asshole in suspense?
            No, how?

Did you hear about the eighty-year-old man who streaked the flower show?
            He won first prize for his dried arrangement.

            Joe: "How many birds in a flock?"
            Sam: "I dunno."
            Joe: "How many bees in a hive?"
            Sam: "I dunno."
            Joe: "How many lives does a cat have?"
            Sam: "Nine."
            Joe: "Well how come if you don't know shit about the birds and the bees, you know so much about pussy?"

What's the worst thing about being an egg?
            You only get laid once; you only get eaten once; it takes you ten minutes to get hard and three minutes to get soft; you come in a box with eleven other guys; and only your mother sits on your face.

Did you hear about the latest over-the-counter scare?
            Someone slipped Krazy Glue into Preparation H.

            Sam Lefkovitz is having an intimate party to celebrate his thirty immensely profitable years in the construction business.  "You know," he laments to his friends, "over the years I have constructed dozens of enormous projects in and around this city, but am I known as Sam the Builder? No.
            "Andover the years I have contributed literally millions of dollars to charitable causes of one sort or another, but am I called Sam the Philanthropist? No, sir.
            "But suck one little cock..."

             Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned.
             James Carr

             It's Saturday morning and Bob's just about to set off on a round of golf, when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So Bob heads back to the clubhouse and phones home.
             "Hello?" says a little girl's voice.
             "Hi, honey, it's Daddy," says Bob. "Is Mommy near the phone?"
             "No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."
             After a brief pause, Bob says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!"
             "Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!"
             "Okay, then. Here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Frank that my car's just pulled up outside the house."
             "Okay, Daddy!" A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone.
             "Well, I did what you said, Daddy."
             "And what happened?"
             "Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's all dead."
             "Oh, my God! What about Uncle Frank?"
             "He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too, and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. But he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead too."
             There is a long pause.
             "Swimming pool? Is this 854-7039?"

            One day Bill complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor."
            His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Just put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs ten dollars."
            Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed:
                        You have tennis elbow.
                        Soak your arm in warm water.
                        Avoid heavy lifting.
                        It will be better in two weeks.
            Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample, and deposited the $10. The computer made the usual noise and printed out the following message:
                        Your tap water is too hard.
                        Get a water softener.
                        Your dog has worms.
                        Get him vitamins.
                        Your daughter is using cocaine.
                        Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
                        Your wife is pregnant with twin girls.
                        They aren't yours.  Get a lawyer.
                        And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.

             A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.
             The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain. As it was still early, she decided to go to the party. Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun watching him to see how he acted when she was not with him.
             She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice woman he could, copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him. As a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.
             She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had sex. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.
             She was sitting up reading when he came in and she asked how the party was. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."
             Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"
             He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you... the guy I loaned my costume to sure had a really good time!"

            A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey,  could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now."
              He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so."
              "Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right." To which he
 replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on  my forehead? I don't think so."
              "Fine," she says, "Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door?
 They're about to break."
              "I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps," he says. "Does it
 look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!"
              So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours. He starts to feel guilty
 about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out. As he walks
 into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the  fridge door is fixed. "Honey, how'd this all get fixed?"
              She said, "Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young
 man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either screw him or bake him a cake."
              He said, "So, what kind of cake did you bake him?"
              She replied, "Hello... Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead?"

              A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want to get off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all you sons of bitches who are returning and want to get on, get your asses on the train now, cause we're going down the tracks!"
              The mother went into the living room and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now go to your room and stay there for two hours. When you come out, you may go back and play with your train, but only if you use nice language."
              Two hours later, the boy came out of the bedroom, and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon."
              She heard the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember that there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
              Then, the child added, "And for those of you who are pissed off about the two hour delay, see the bitch in the kitchen."