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In no way shape or form do these jokes express the views of Humor Playground.  They are only meant for your personal enjoyment.

You know why the Pope didn't want to accept the position?
            It meant moving into an Italian neighborhood.

What kind of meat does the Pope eat?
            Nun.

            A rabbi, a priest, and a minister were having a discussion as to how they divided up the collection plate.  The minister explained that he drew a circle on the ground, tossed the collection in the air, and that all the money that landed in the circle was for God and that all the money that landed outside was for himself and the parish.  The priest said that his system was similar: He just drew a straight line, tossed the money up, and that what landed on one side was for God and on the other for himself and the church.  The rabbi admitted that his system worked along somewhat the same lines.  "I just toss the plate up in the air," he explained, "and anything God can catch he can keep."

            A little Catholic kid was praying as hard as he could.  "God," he prayed, "I really want a car."  Jumping up and dashing to the window, he saw that the driveway was empty.
            "God," he prayed again, "I really need a car."  Still no answer to his prayers.  Suddenly the kid stood up, ran into his parents' bedroom, and grabbed the statuette of the Virgin Mar off the mantelpiece.  He wrapped it up in ten layers of paper, using three rolls of tape and a spool of twine, then stuffed it inside a box at the very bottom of his closet.
            "Okay, God," he said, getting down onto his knees again, "if you ever want to see your mother again..."

Why does the Pope wear gym shorts?
            He doesn't want to look down on the unemployed.

            Two nuns were taking a stroll through the park at dusk when two men jumped them, ripped off their habits, and proceeded to rape them.
            Sister Mary, bruised and battered, looked up at the sky and said softly, "Forgive him, Lord, for he knows not what he does."
            Sister Theresa looked over at her and said, "Mine does."

            Two bishops were discussing the decline in morals in the modern world.  "I didn't sleep with my wife before I was married," said one clergyman self-righteously.  "Did you?"
            "I don't know," said the other.  "What was her maiden name?"

            A drunk was staggering down the main street of the town.  Somehow he managed to make it up the stairs to the cathedral and into the building, where he crashed from pew to pew, finally making his way to a side aisle and into a confessional.
            A priest had been observing the man's sorry progress and, figuring the fellow was in need of some assistance, proceeded to enter his side of the confessional.  But his attention was rewarded only by a lengthy silence.  Finally he asked, "May I help you, my son?"
            "I dunno," came the drunk's voice form behind the partition.  "You got any paper on your side?"

            Three guys die and are transported to the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter greets them warmly, explaining that there's just one brief formality before they can be admitted to heaven.  Each will have to answer one quick question.  Turning to the first fellow, he asks, "What, please, is Easter?"
            "That's an easy one. That's to celebrate when the Pilgrims landed.  You buy a turkey and rally stuff yourselves---"
            "I'm sorry," interrupts St. Peter.  "You're out."  Turning to the second man, he asks, "What can you tell me about Easter?"
            "No problem," he replies.  "To commemorate the birth of Jesus, you go out shopping and get this tree and all these presents---"
            "Forget it," says St. Peter, turning in disgust to the third man.  "I don't suppose you'd know anything about Easter?"
            "Certainly," he replies.  "You see, Christ was crucified and he died, and they took the body down from the cross and wrapped it in a shroud and put it in a cave and rolled this big stone across the entrance---"
            "Wait a minute, wait a minute," interrupts St. Peter excitedly, waving for the first two guys to come over.  "We got someone here who knows his stuff."
            "And after three days they roll the stone away," continues the third guy, "and if he sees his shadow there's going to be six more weeks of winter."

Why doesn't Jesus eat M&Ms?
            They keep falling through the holes in his hands.

           Late one night the Pope's most intimate council of senior advisors requests admission to His Holiness's bedchamber, bearing news of the greatest urgency.  They tell him that it has just been revealed by sacred divinations that unless the Pope sleeps with a woman, the Vatican State, and all of Catholicism,  will come to a sudden and terrible end.
           The Pope thinks it over for a few minutes, and then agrees to go ahead with the profane deed.  "But," he says, "I have three stipulations."
           "First, she must be blind, so so she cannot see where is she is being taken."
           "Second, she must be mute, so she cannot speak of what has happened to her."
           "And third, she must have big tits."

Why didn't Jesus get into college?
           He got hung up on his boards.

           "The question for today, boys and girls," said Sister Mary, "is, 'What part of the body goes to Heaven first?'"
           Dirty Eddie was sitting in the front row waving his hand wildly, but since his answers were usually less than satisfactory, Sister Mary refrained from calling on him.  "Yes, Veronica?"
           "The heart, Sister Mary, because that's where God's love touches you."
           "Very good," said Sister Mary.  "Yes, Marilyn?"
           "The soul, Sister Mary, because that's the immortal part of us."
           "Very good, Marilyn," said Sister Mary, observing with dismay that Dirty Eddie's hand was still waving.  "Yes, Eddie?"
           "The feet, Sister, the feet."
           "Well, that's a curious answer, Eddie. Why the feet?"
           "Because I've seen Ma with her feet up in the air, shouting, 'I'm coming, God, I'm coming!'"

            This nice guy dies and goes to heaven, where he is shown to a simple hut, dressed in a plain cotton robe, and offered wine and cheese.  He had anticipated something a little fancier but all his needs are cared for, so he settles in happily... until, on his daily stroll, he comes across a fellow he had known on earth to be a scoundrel and criminal.  This fellow is lounging on a luxurious cloud with a gorgeous blonde, dressed in a sumptuous toga, and is holding a bottle of Chivas Regal.
            All upset, the nice guy goes to take to St. Peter.  "Listen, St. Peter, on earth I was a great guy, never hurt anyone, never cheated, never stole, and all I get in heaven is a grass hut and some cheap wine. And there's this guy who lied to his mother, stole from his brother, and tortured his sister, living in the lap of luxury. It's not fair!"
            "It's not all it's cut out to be, my son," smiles St. Peter.  "He's got a bottle of scotch with a hole in it and a beautiful blonde without one."

How do you know Christ wasn't born in Italy?
            They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.

            A white guy and a black guy were having an argument as to whether God was white or black.  So they booked a flight to the Holy Land, trekked up Mt. Sinai, and shouted their question up toward the sky as loudly as possible.
            "I AM WHAT I AM," boomed down the earth-shaking response.
            "You see," said the white guy, turning around to his friend triumphantly.
            "Whaddaya mean?" asked the black guy.  "What does that prove?"
            "Listen, if God were black, God would have said, 'I is what I is.'"

            The Pope is working on a crossword puzzle one Sunday afternoon.  He stops for a moment or two, scratches his forehead, then asks the Cardinal, "Can you think of a four-letter word for 'woman' that ends in 'u-n-t?'"
            "Aunt," replies the Cardinal.
            "Say, thanks," says the Pope.  "You got an eraser?"

            A man who went to church with his wife always fell asleep during the sermon. The wife decided to do something about this. One Sunday, she took a long hatpin with her to poke him with every time he would doze off. As the preacher got to a part in the sermon where he shouted out, "And who created all there is in 6six days and rested on the seventh," she poked her husband, who came flying out of the pew and screamed, "Good God almighty!"
            The minister said, "That's right, that's right," and went on with his sermon. The man sat back down, muttering under his breath and later began to doze off again. When the minister got to, "And who died on the cross to save us from our sins," the wife hit him again, and he jumped up and shouted, "Jesus Christ!" The minister said, "That's right, that's right," and went on with his sermon.
            The man sat back down and began to watch his wife and when the minister got to, "And what did Eve say to Adam after the birth of their second child?" the wife started to poke the husband again, but he jumped up and said, "I f you stick that damn thing in me again, I'll break it off!"

            An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place."
            So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
            One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"
            Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great.   We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
            God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."
            Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."
            God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
            Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?"

            A little nine year old girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill. "Mommy," she said. "Can we leave now?"
            "No," her mother replied.
            "Well, I think I have to throw up!"
            "Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush." In about two minutes the little girl returned to her seat.
            "Did you throw up?" her mother asked.
            "Yes," the little girl replied.
            "Well, how could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and return so quickly?"
            "I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy." the little girl replied. "They have a box next to the front door that says, 'For the sick'."